Philophobia

What is philophobia?
according to google philophobia is the fear of love or of becoming emotionally connected with another person.
after knowing that word, i keep asking to myself, am I philophobia? everytime I get close to someone, I will pushed it slowly (or directly, and even to my own family)
Fear of the past make me pushed away all emotional connection. Even I think I am become cold heart.
when I was at school, I describe to my friend that fall in love is like flowery feeling, there's a butterfly inside your heart, and you keep nervous and we called it flowery condition.hahahaha
It's a cheesy word, but we still use it until today. one of my friend got married last year and the other just got engaged at the beginning of this year. and they said that they feel flowery condition.
I talked to them about my condition, they even suggest to try with a girl to feel that flower condition again hahahha. and I said, I could not. it's either i am not ready or I am too afraid to get hurt again.
But, after talk to them, I realised that I will not feel flowery if I am too afraid to try.
So, I tried. I feel nervous, but the fear to get hurt or get rejected is bigger than my desire to feel flowery feeling.
my best friend always said to me, whatever make you happy just do it. so, finally I decided that I will just follow the flow. and let it be.

Princess Syndrome (or more like Princess wanna be)

When I was a little girl, I like to read all princesses stories. I like it because all of them have happy ending. they have sad stories in the beginning and finally they found their princes and live happily ever after.
So, what happen in real life?

I tried to believe in happily ever after concept and I will find my prince someday, until reality beat me hard!

My dream finding true prince and my hobby watching drama that have happy ending, make me believe that I can find someone who has personality like a prince or at least like Dao Ming Si (from Meteor Garden drama). Gentle, kind, lovable, social butterfly, protect us and financially good. but now, I believe that man out there most of them is "Ximen or Meizuo" type, they use their charm ,money or personality or both, to get to girl's pan****. or most of them just use girl as rebound girl (like Hua Che Lei did) or just pity love.

The next question is am I good enough to be the princess for the correct prince? am I as good as Sanchai to get Dao Ming Si?
My old me will blame for being good enough and I am a bad girl, but I have to learn how to love myself and keep believing that my true prince maybe out there and still try to find the correct path to find me.
Or I should keep try to kiss more frog to find the right prince for me  , jajajaja.

Love Yourself, Love MySelf, Speak Yourself

Have you heard that word? I believe that everybody try to love their self.

for me, it's really hard to do it.

I've been in my darkest life (so far, jejejeje) , and at that time I know bangtan boys with "Love Yourself" concept.

Years by years I tried to try it, but it's really hard.

and almost 2 years ago, my closest friend make me down to the rock bottom.

at that time, he said I am not worthy and not suitable in this life.

and his words make me going down to the most bottom of my life. I started to blame my self and said to myself that I am not worthy. I collect my past and realize, maybe what my friend said was true.

Bangtan boys's word just heal me a little. my other close friends try to cheer me up, but to tell you the truth, it's really hard. And now I know what LinkinPark said "I tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't really matter"

just because one person, it really can ruin your whole life entirely.

and my turning point happen when I realize that I should love myself before I can love others. and once again, BangtanBoys help me with that. I will always find the flaw to others if I can not accept myself.

here what they said about Love "Love is not always about the good things, right?when we love something or somebody, it's like admitting and like, recognizing all the histories, that someone or something's got. it could be you know, shades and shadow,maybe some dark sides"

so, let's begin to love yourself, love about your past, love about your good things and love about your darkside.