Age Just a Number

Have you heard that sentences before?
I heard it a lot on memes and it refer to relationship.
But, I don't want talk about relationship now.
I quote that to remind me that age maybe just a number, but as time goes by, our wisdom and our physic also change.

I made a video call today with my mom. usually I never notice about how old is she. we just talk over the phone and since she always cheerful, I always thought that she is quite young. compare to Mr. President or my neighbours , my parents quite young. and then, today it hit me. I saw wrinkles on her faces, white hair , etc. this make me realize that my parents also grow old like and by the time, they maybe leave us.

as a time goes by, I don't want to waste my time not to spend my life without my parents. because I never know when they will leave us or when I will leave them.

como quiero que me quiera.

There's a tongue twister in español about love:

Cómo quieres que te quiera

Si el que quiero no me quiera

No me quiere como quiero que me quiera.

It has deep meaning or sad meaning actually.
One sided love become my routine I think, so this words really have deep impact for me.
Some people said that I'm too picky that's why I'm single for too long. maybe I am picky, but it will be uncomfortable if someone beside me will not love me the way that I want.
Just because we want in relationship, I don't want it to be forced love.

someone asked me last week, what is my ideal type. I said I want someone whom gentle. and he asked to define what is gentle type. I said it's hard to describe, sometimes it's from the simple act or what he said. for example : just because someone did not say thank you to waitress, I will put him in red mark (hahahaha), it's really simple right. Or someone who will hold the door for me, it will be plus side. and My friend replied, even after he did all of those things, some of his girl friend said that he is not gentle type. From that, I think, gentle is not a standard but it's manner that have each criteria for each person. I live in field for too long, maybe my standard become simple.

entonces, como quiero que me quiera?
maybe someone who respect me, treat me as woman/female and someone with good manner. someone who will not embarrassed while walking or speak to me. and someone can put me in ease and never make me cry. and someone who can cure my insomniac.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

What we celebrate in this day:

• Bonza Bottler Day 
• Cartoonists Day 
• Childhood Depression Awareness Day - May 5, 2020 (First Tuesday in May)
• Childhood Stroke Awareness Day 
• Cinco de Mayo 
• Europe Day (Council of Europe) 
• Foster Care Day - May 5, 2020 (First Tuesday in May)
• Hand Hygiene Day 
• International Midwives Day 
• National Chocolate Custard Day 
• National Hoagie Day 
• National Teachers Day - May 5, 2020 (Tuesday of the First Full Week in May)
• Square Root Day - not until May 5, 2025
• Totally Chipotle Day 
• World Asthma Day - May 5, 2020 (First Tuesday in May)

and usually I will celebrate this day and my family will wish me a lot of good wishes. But, deep down, I never like this date and instead I will celebrate it on 23 July.

and that wishes actually granted. 2 years ago, I have bad news and I took it really bad. I still remember the text that said "I am sorry, you have to hear this news on your special day", and that make me more hate this date. so, I decided that I will make this date will be full with good memories.

2 years ago, I run away to Japan to make this date have happy memories.

I have holiday with my friends and travelling around Japan.

A year ago, I went to concert and after that I have fine dining and crazy night with my best friend. I still remember I ordered spaghetti, wine and bruschetta.

and today, I have dinner with my friend and have an amazing conversation with my best friend. And also God give me a gift to have beautiful dream about travelling at the beach and meet my best friends. Today also I can capture  Aquariids in my app (it's rarely happen to me , hahaha). So I would say that one more beautiful memory has happen to me.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo :*

Sebuah Teori

This story is about me and my bestfriends. We live in the same house. Let say she is A, and the other is B. A and B came from same university, me and A came from same high school.
Three of us is single. And lately there’s unique or interesting experience.

A have crush with R. R currently is master degree student from my university.
B have crush with I. And he is kind of close with B (looks like they have promising future)
And me have crush with N. He is my senior from my university .

Without telling each other about our crush, actually we fell for the guy with the same name. And have similar attitude. And the funny side, we got rejected in almost the same time hahahhahaha.
And we tell about this after got rejected and we’re surprised that we fell for the jerk guy and have similar name. Hahaha.i know it’s just coincidence, but it’s happen once in a blue moon.

Ps: actually I showed N’s picture to them, and it’s their type before they know the real him.

Wrong Recipient

Have you ever send message to wrong person?
So, yesterday I read on the news that someone mistakenly send wrong message. Mr B want to send a message to a group about Mr A (bad mouthing mr.a). but, instead he send it to mr.a and act like nothing happen.
This happen to me actually. twice!!!
but, I was in mr.A position. my junior at work bad mouthing me and send it to me. her friend try to convince me that it just mistake. but, at that moment, I never trust her again. and actually, my decision is right. behind my back she try to stab me couple of times (and play victim and innocent about it)

the second one was happen when I got harassment at work. my girl friends convince me to make report about it. so, I kinda trust her. and told everything. I said that before this someone try to sabotage my work and etc. but, she cut the conversation and send it to the harasser and make it looks like that i am the one that wrong. Instead send it to harasser, she sent it to me. when the investigation begin, revealed that this girl stab me on the back.

Maybe, this is way I have trust issue to someone. sometimes I think that live alone is the best choice.

Anyway, couple of times, I have experience send it to wrong person. one time, I send message to my boss with casual tone. and I realized after he replied to me. hahahaha.

if you know how it felt when you hurt someone, never hurt someone else.😶

Happy Kartini Day

this day, I still remember couple years ago my friends at university give me title as the most CENTIL girl at HME (our group). and I keep thinking, how can I get that title. as far as I remember, I always got bullied because I had boyfriend that have different religion.  and I am not that pretty or sexy in university. I just regular girl (I think).
Creo que, my happy life at university was during my last year. I met new friends from different faculty and I won Shell Eco Marathon. I have amazing friends that love culinary and travelling.

But 2 years ago, kartini day become my nightmare. my ex suddenly said that that girl look amazing in kartini's outfit and his heart change. and my own drama begin. hahahaha. whenever I watch VIP or the world of the married, it's like I watch my own past. the past that make me laugh now. Odio On Yoo Ri y  Yeo Da Kyung. Ellas me recuerdan a ella. Ahora, creo que este es mi destino y él no es mi destino. I am grateful, this is happen before it's too late.

Eres merecida alguien mejor. Alguien que puede hacerte reír, hacerte la mujer más increíble del mundo y convertirte en su tesoro. xoxo

20nd April 2020

Buena Noches, Amiga!
Finally, tonight I asked my crush about the definition of our relationship.
Quires saber??
jajajaja
so, he said that we are more than friend but can not go further since he still not move on from his ex.
after heard what he said, it reminds me about HIMYM season 5 episode 16. If you're curious about this , here the link

https://www.netflix.com/watch/70218584?trackId=200257859

Am I like Henrietta?
so, after that I told my bestfriend about this. Both of them said that I should give up. and even she said "didn't you already give up about him sometimes ago?" on my defense, I asked this question just to make closure and get free without hurting the other party.
If I remember, 2 months ago, I also said the similar thing to my friend (Mr.A). But at that time, I am afraid that I will hurt him (since I am not ready). so, i keep thinking, is it Karma? (Karma does exist!!!)
My bestfriend told me to find another one, he said that I deserve someone better (even though I already said that mr.a is not into me, my best friend keep stay by my side and saying this!!!).

to be honest, after heard mr.a's answer, It's closure for me. I will never ever ask again and already let him go.

like Rafiki said “The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."

and let's do what Pumbaa said “It’s times like this my buddy Timon here says: you got to put your behind in your past.”

13rd April of Misery

13rd April 2020,
I think I got friendzoned by my crush. It's really hurt.
It's almost make me cry, but luckily I am not crying.
the last text that he messaged me is "dapat kerjaan dan pasangan yang cocok ya"
and from his text, it looks like I got friendzone.

I talk to my close friend about this, and we laugh together. hahahha. when I think I am ready for relationship, turn out it's not my fate. she give me an advice that I should not overthinking about this. and give me an advice that I should look for kind hearted man instead of just physic. this is what she said " coba skrg kamu nilai cowo itu dr sikap dan pemikiran dia instead of his looks"

This condition always make me more insecure about myself. Am I not good enough? what should I do to make someone accept me for who I am. am I asking too much?
same question, and it will always end up with blaming myself and feel insecure.
I know, I should not feel insecure and cure this. but, it's so hard.
this always make me thinking, what kind of guy that suitable for me. am I too picky? am I too ugly?

am I too much if I ask to God that my man should be someone who is caring and kind? and someone who can say "I will always by your side to comfort you". someone who really care about me not because what I have. someone who really treasure me and love me.

someone who call me "mi tesoro"

мое сокровище

Be Strong and Be Happy

Serás feliz, me dijo la vida. 

Pero primero te haré fuerte, 

tan fuerte que el que te haga daño se arrepentirá

In English: You will be happy, said life. But first I'll make you strong, so strong that the one who hurt you will regret it. <3 xoxo 

Something In The Rain

Have you seen this drama?
The genre of this drama is romance.
the synopsis of this drama is:

When a single career woman reunites with her best friend's younger brother after he returns from three years of working abroad, their efforts to reconnect grow into romance.

In my opinion, I am focusing on her career path. here, the main character phasing harassment in her office. at the beginning of the story, it's told that the she can not handle the harassment. But, at the end finally she brave herself to make a report about this. at the end, the harasser just need to apologize, but she has to get transferred to another office because of her report. so, it looks like she get the punishment instead of the harasser get punishment.

Actually, this is happen to me too around 2 years ago. I got harassment at my office while I am on the site. the harasser just apologize to me, but I knew that he did not mean it. and after that, my manager transferred me. and I got black mail from other male colleague about this. so, it looks like I ma the wrong one because I make a report about harassment.
Actually, before I make a report, I consulted to all female workers that I knew. they encourage me to make a report. and also, i consult it to my male colleague. but, after the investigation, no one to testify and the female co-worker (only 1), backstabbing me and told my manager that I am just make an excuse.
I think, when someone sit on my lap twice, it's not an accident , but he mean it. I told the harasser that I don't like it. but he just make a joke that maybe later I will enjoy it. How humiliated that.
Everytime I think about this incident, it make me cringe. and for few months I couldn't sleep and has nightmare because of this. and what's the result of this? I got transferred to remote location, I got bad appraisal from my manager saying that I am hard to comunicate (he clearly said because I made the report) and I'm traumatized with man (literally it's creep me out everytime someone touch me).

So, in conclussion, even though there is Harassment Policy, I think it just bullshit. the employer of course try to protect the face of their company, the harasser just playing innocent and make a lot of excuse, And the victim only can cry and no shoulder to cry on.

I just hope that no one facing the same problem as me. GBU

Define what is Love?

LOVE.
let me quote it from wikipedia

As an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is sometimes contrasted with friendship, although the word love is often applied to close friendships or platonic love. (Further possible ambiguities come with usages "girlfriend", "boyfriend", "just good friends").

even that word has their own hormone. it called oxytocin.
so, for me basically, it just some chemist reaction inside our body.
But, like I said before. this feeling could make you feel fluttered. and like butterfly inside your stomach.
Like Chuck Bass said "I have not sleep, I feel sleep ....like there's something in my stomach fluttering"
Maybe it feels like flowery feeling, jajajaja.
some people will be happy when this feeling happen. But some, might be frightened with this feeling.
there's some words that I think really romantic. "Otra midad" it means other half or "Media Naranja", basically it means half of oranges, but since it complete the others, it have meaning my soulmate.
and the other word that I like is "mi tesoro" means my treasure. some one who can treasure me than I can treasure myself and can protect me.
when I was fall in love, I feel all of those feeling. but since love means so much to me, I always drown to it like a drunk person. then when it's time to part away, I realise that all this years sometimes I never felt loved or appreciated. it just felt platonic or just physical need. and sadly, some of their word just destruct me and said that I am not worthy.
one wish for sure, if someday I can find someone who love me back as much as I love them (actually that my last year wish "I wish everything that I love will love me back"). I think that's everyone wish that there's some one that can treasure their beloved one. someone who really care and protect you and really understand you like you are their other half.

Philophobia

What is philophobia?
according to google philophobia is the fear of love or of becoming emotionally connected with another person.
after knowing that word, i keep asking to myself, am I philophobia? everytime I get close to someone, I will pushed it slowly (or directly, and even to my own family)
Fear of the past make me pushed away all emotional connection. Even I think I am become cold heart.
when I was at school, I describe to my friend that fall in love is like flowery feeling, there's a butterfly inside your heart, and you keep nervous and we called it flowery condition.hahahaha
It's a cheesy word, but we still use it until today. one of my friend got married last year and the other just got engaged at the beginning of this year. and they said that they feel flowery condition.
I talked to them about my condition, they even suggest to try with a girl to feel that flower condition again hahahha. and I said, I could not. it's either i am not ready or I am too afraid to get hurt again.
But, after talk to them, I realised that I will not feel flowery if I am too afraid to try.
So, I tried. I feel nervous, but the fear to get hurt or get rejected is bigger than my desire to feel flowery feeling.
my best friend always said to me, whatever make you happy just do it. so, finally I decided that I will just follow the flow. and let it be.

Princess Syndrome (or more like Princess wanna be)

When I was a little girl, I like to read all princesses stories. I like it because all of them have happy ending. they have sad stories in the beginning and finally they found their princes and live happily ever after.
So, what happen in real life?

I tried to believe in happily ever after concept and I will find my prince someday, until reality beat me hard!

My dream finding true prince and my hobby watching drama that have happy ending, make me believe that I can find someone who has personality like a prince or at least like Dao Ming Si (from Meteor Garden drama). Gentle, kind, lovable, social butterfly, protect us and financially good. but now, I believe that man out there most of them is "Ximen or Meizuo" type, they use their charm ,money or personality or both, to get to girl's pan****. or most of them just use girl as rebound girl (like Hua Che Lei did) or just pity love.

The next question is am I good enough to be the princess for the correct prince? am I as good as Sanchai to get Dao Ming Si?
My old me will blame for being good enough and I am a bad girl, but I have to learn how to love myself and keep believing that my true prince maybe out there and still try to find the correct path to find me.
Or I should keep try to kiss more frog to find the right prince for me  , jajajaja.

Love Yourself, Love MySelf, Speak Yourself

Have you heard that word? I believe that everybody try to love their self.

for me, it's really hard to do it.

I've been in my darkest life (so far, jejejeje) , and at that time I know bangtan boys with "Love Yourself" concept.

Years by years I tried to try it, but it's really hard.

and almost 2 years ago, my closest friend make me down to the rock bottom.

at that time, he said I am not worthy and not suitable in this life.

and his words make me going down to the most bottom of my life. I started to blame my self and said to myself that I am not worthy. I collect my past and realize, maybe what my friend said was true.

Bangtan boys's word just heal me a little. my other close friends try to cheer me up, but to tell you the truth, it's really hard. And now I know what LinkinPark said "I tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't really matter"

just because one person, it really can ruin your whole life entirely.

and my turning point happen when I realize that I should love myself before I can love others. and once again, BangtanBoys help me with that. I will always find the flaw to others if I can not accept myself.

here what they said about Love "Love is not always about the good things, right?when we love something or somebody, it's like admitting and like, recognizing all the histories, that someone or something's got. it could be you know, shades and shadow,maybe some dark sides"

so, let's begin to love yourself, love about your past, love about your good things and love about your darkside.

My truly wish for this year

The older I am, hopefully the wiser I am.
Broken up from long relationship make me depressed more.
I travelled to forget the pain and try to build a trust and to love myself.
When I broke up with my ex, not only I lost my boyfriend, but I lost my best friend.
The saddest thing is when you trust people but then he stabbed you from the back.
I tried to stand up on own feet from “ you dont deserve here”, “everything thing that I did is a lie and I forced to do it”. And those words really break me down.
Everytime I remember those words, I always thinking is that a karma?
Am I bad person? Am I ever hurts someone before?

My past relationships really give me a trauma to build a new one. This make me hard to trust people and want me just to hurt everybody. But, the silly me. It ends up me that hurting myself.
I tried to run away with travelling and met new people and hopefully will start a new life.
But, at the end, I always hurts and feeling lonely.

I have two best friends that always support me to get through all of this sh*t. They always remind me to love myself and just think about my happiness and let go the past.

Maybe my truly wishes for this year is I can forget everything in the past and start a new life without hurts.

Is it really possible to have person that really appreciate me and accept me for who I am? I wish someday I can find someone that will make a poem like this to me
Roses are red, violets are blue
Out of million girls, I still choose you
There’s no girl as sparkling as you
I will give you love that will never hurt you

Roses are red, violets are white
Try to love that grow inside
No more abuse, just love inside
Our love will grow up with all their might

New Year, New Me?

It’s a late post. But, happy new year everyone!!
I think everyone will have a new year resolution.
What about me???
Maybe I will try to finish my bucket list or my my last year wishes.

Last year, I learn a lot. Loving yourself is difficult, because we tend to think the other first. But, I learned that thinking about myself first is not a crime. Forgiving about the past and accept who you are make you love yourself more.
A lot of things happen last year, good things and bad things.
Wish you all happiness in this new year.